O' Pioneers

I am not the first or the last woman to ever be single but this phenomenon of being alone and uncomfortable is new to me, I'm perishing in a barren land. My gaggle of brilliant and beautiful friends was once enough for me. After work drinks, late night phone sessions, spa jaunts, mass viewings of movies like In her shoes or Meet the Parents, while eating pizza and Phish food, and the chatting, texting, the conversations, choking on laughter, gargling on nonsense, lavishing in our sisterhood, what happened to those days and those women?

We got older, life got busier, and we lost our minds as we now navigate through a field mine of men. I talk on the phone with them, we laugh at old jokes, cry at new trials, but mostly we commiserate about what he has done, is doing, or will do. I've watched most of my friends become an echo of their once vibrant selves, women stretched, rolled, bended, twisted, and knotted, to be everything he wants with only wisps of themselves intact. TS is working on her PhD in literature, has a great career, and a smile that can cure the blind but she spends her weekends moaning over her man of 10 years who can't decide if he wants to be her boyfriend or not. P has the body of a Latin American goddess, is a well respected teacher with multiple degrees, and just gave up everything to be with a man who treats their relationship like a yo yo. She has chest pains from hurting so much. V can crack up any room, her personality is like lightening, sharp, bright, and sizzling. She's a natural leader who one day we may be voting for, yet she gives herself to man who keeps her a secret and comes by only at night. She too cries, sighs, and lets her smile droop a little bit more each day. I miss my friends, I miss myself.

The carefree, trusting, smiling person I was before I let past relationships define me. Is this the fate of women, to have our dazzling light hidden beneath the scorn, abuse, and hurt men have thrown at us? I refuse to let that be my fate. I'm single and at times when it seems the whole world is paired up, loneliness is a wave swooping over me, it's scary. But losing more of myself to some undeserving person is even scarier. So I'll be that girl sitting at the theater alone, eating dinner at a table for one, buying myself a drink at the bar, yeah I'll be alone but I'll be smiling. It's a new world I'm approaching and I feel happy and scared, isn't that silly, scared to let my own light dazzle, alone.